I feel like things are Getting Better

Well, good news,
Got a new laptop. The old one went to that office supply store in the sky. Well this isnt actually new…its used but its still in good shape. I got a pretty good deal at a little shop by some guy named Jose.

Now I will commence to do the video blogs again. I know , you’ve missed them right? Well I’ve missed doing them! I just have to find some private time to do them. My roommate has brought yet another person into the apartment. It’s four including me…in a studio. Can we say cramped? There must be some Universal lesson I’m supposed to be learning. I want so bad to find a place with my OWN room so i can do things like well…sleep naked. ha ha. But no I’m fa real.

still job hunting but I’m going to try to find things in my expertise now…ya know, art, acting, writing….

ALSO lately I feel the desire to be in a committed relationship. Ya know the feeling when you see people holding hands and you stop and think for a second or everytime you hear a certain song you sigh. Yeah that’s me right now.
ANY HOW that’s all I have to say for the day …peace out.

Jobless but not Hopeless

I’ve been without a job since October. I used to work for Myspace.com and the temp agency that I was contracted with let me go. In December I found myself without a home. I somehow got back on my feet by January and got on unemployment. I started taking classes for graphic art in February. I started missing having things in March as my birthday came around and took inventory of things lost.

It’s now April. I’m not done yet but it seems life has thrown me through a whirlwind of emotional roller coasters. If you see me it may appear that I’m calm cool and collected. But deep down sometimes I get frustrated. That inner desire for survival kicks in and that passion to do more than survive but …actually live and enjoy also screams.

One day at a time I keep telling myself.

Even though these simple job act as if they can’t take one more person and perhaps they can not. I hate the fact that I have to settle for whatever I can get and wonder if that’s good or bad.

This is my mind.

This is my frustration.

But yet I am hopeful that soon…this will all be just a passing memory.

How to Be OUT

I don’t know if I can answer my own subject. I can only share my own experience.

As a rule I approach everything with respect and dignity and I expect the same back. If you don’t know by now I have a user name “fratBrotha” meaning…I’m in a fraternity . It has come to my knowledge recently from another fraternity brother that they have caught wind via the net that I am bisexual.

Now let me state…im not in college anymore, and the men that are apparently gossipping about me are far into their adult age. So i find this quite amazing that people would be chatting about my sexuality as if it was that noteworthy in this day and time. Perhaps its just shocking and its something to burn the time, who knows.

Anyhow, one of my frat brothers emails me to let me know that such clatter is going on in Texas (but I live in Los angeles) . I tell him I am flattered that so many people have concerned themselves with my sexual behavior.

Just goes to show you that southern mentality.

Glad I left.

Why do people feel so shocked? Do people just simple expect all people to be the same (ie heterosexual) and if they are not, do you expect those people to be the stereotypical mold that you have created for them?I think not.

It has been enough to bother me to the point of writing this but after my vent I shall just accept the mentality of some people for just what it is.

My hope for the BLACK community in particular is that they learn to accept people no matter their differences or sexuality for it is hypocritical for us to fight for civil rights and then next breath turn our nose up on those with different sexual orientation in our OWN race. Plain hypocrisy . You don’t have to like it, but understand that people like me exist.

that’s all ask, understanding.

Why People are More Comfortable with Lesbians than Gay Men

I have found at least in the main media, that most people are highly comfortable with lesbianism but not male homosexuality. I have a theory about this so if continue reading if you will.

This is pretty much a male dominated society but yet women control a lot about how men react to things. So there’s this 50-50 exchange of ideas and control. Lesbian women or at the very least women who flirt with the idea, pose no threat to male sexuality or sexual identity. Two women together don’t even threaten their own femininity and it would seem that they become EMPOWERED because they express the ability sexually that they don’t need a man.

The heterosexual man, however still is able to see himself in these women’s lives because, as stated before, it’s a male dominated society and lesbian or not, it’s dangerous for a woman by herself (unless she has a gun, dog or something) So they guy says to himself,

“Hey she has a need…i still have a chance”

I will even go as to say even sexually he says,

“Wow, two Pussies…and nothing getting filled…there’s a need…I still have a chance.”

This is his mind. What he may not realize is that she may not want to be penetrated or she may have alternate ways of doing so. They only lesbian threat to the heterosexual male is the stud female who says,

“Not only do I not need you sexually, but I don’t need you to protect me either, AND I can please a woman better than you.”

This woman is so much like him that he is not attracted to her and most of the time these strong lesbians are the object of gay bashing if any.

On the adverse side, male homosexuality poses a threat to heterosexual men only to one issue…..Straight men feel that being gay means religuishing your masculinity or becoming less of a man. This is not necessarily true. This is only because the media chooses to focus on the most feminine of gay men and the most masculine of gay men choose to stay in shadows. Just like the stud lesbian who has traded in her feminine identity, there are some men who have traded their masculine identity for more softer tones and some in the hetero society find this difficult to accept as most try so hard to define, uphold, and retain what they consider masculine and feminine especially when it comes to relationships.

Where the feminine gay male gets much smack about his sexual orientation, you find far less masculine men getting as much trouble. I saw one dude at the gym who was big and brawny, he appeared to have that biker look. He had a tank top and on his arm he had tattoos of intertwining dicks and male symbol signs. He was obviously gay and proud and so big I doubt anybody would fuck with him. My point is, although he was gay he posed no threat to male masculinity, in fact he seemed to love his own (nothing wrong with that).

I find that homesexual/bisexual men who are masculine and love their masculinity seemed to be more so accepted in the heterosexual world. Straight men love their masculinity too, they have something in common. A straight man can talk about lifting weights, sports, politics, or even sex with a masculine gay male in a way he cannot with a feminine male.

Why is that? Perhaps the feminine male feels more in common with females or is oblivious to what masculinity even is. Because of that, he tries harder to express himself (he is still a man) and this comes off as FLAMBOYANT. The heterosexual male says,

” I can’t relate to this guy and I don’t need him in my life.”

The feminine male’s rejection of his his masculinity expresses itself as masculine men (gay or str8) reject him.

As times change, and we begin to see more MASCULINE homo and bisexual men come to the forefront, then we begin to see the heterosexual world begin to relate more become more comfortable as they see more diversity within the LGBT community and relize that being gay is not just a “feminine” thing .

In my own bisexuality I have had no issue with my straight friends and often enjoy debating on what they consider right or wrong when it comes to sexuality. I also find that there are SO MANY masculine men who may identify as straight but that may not be necessarily true. As the world becomes more accepting, hopefully these individuals will accept themselves. So I am making this theory based off my own experience and my observation of other masculine men and people’s response to them. If you have had a different experience please feel free to share, comment, or send a note.

Higher Learning

I’m taking classes again. Graphic Art. Its not college its a vocational skill center for adults. I already have my degree. I still need a job and I want to attempt to go into art since I can draw. I’m trying to clean up my photoshop skills and I’m almost there. I get excited when I learn something new. This new CS3 photoshop is way easier than the photoshop they taught me back in school. In other news, I’ve been hard thinking about relationships and money. I put them both together because I feel they some what go together.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t need money to get a relationship. None of my relationships in the past required it. But it makes relationship a bit smoother when you don’t have to count change.
I’ve been somewhat resistant to just working at the grocery store. I mean damn, I have a four year degree, I should be able to find something better right? But nevertheless I need something or I won’t be eating. It’s quite the predictament.

Twitter: JUST SAY NO

computercrazeOkay, it took me long enough to get onto the facebook craze. And I had a myspace before anybody knew what myspace was. So I’m not all about “the hype” Matter of fact I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I love blogging, talking about myself and being nosey on other people’s lives. But come on…twitter? Do I really have THAT much time to dictate my every move like someone gives a damn?

nice guy
nice guy

“Hold on I farted…I have to twitter this.” Now that the main media and hollywood is on board they are making it like a must have. Big brother doesn’t even have try hard anymore because we are so predisposed with making record of our every where about and thoughts. Now don’t go calling me hypocrite because I have a video blog on youtube. I do that maybe once a week, trust me I have my private time that I don’t let readers or viewers know about. It’s great people are that interested to know if I have a booger in my nose at any given moment but then I have to ask the question, WHY? Is it that I don’t have a life because I’m twittering such nonesense or you don’t have a life because you’re reading it? Are our attention spans so short that we can’t read full blogs about someone’s life or just pick up a phone to say, “What are you doing?” I know …I know I’m bitchin’ but honestly my main issue is ….I don’t get it.

Can we talk about SEX?

Is that all right? I know some of you don’t have sex or have sworn off it so you get offended when I talk about it…cause it makes you want it so much more… BUT I AM SO HORNY Aroused right now!
I’m trying to deal with it. I mean…i had sex yesterday on a bootycall but having sex
and not having a relationship is like…trying to eat one potato chip or one of your friend’s french fries. It’s not gonna work. You’re gonna want another one. So I’ve been working on trying to get a relationship.
The problem: I don’t have a job…can’t really date when you’re financially challenged.
This damn cat gets horny when I get horny as well so she’s constantly meowing and rubbing on me.
*sigh*
I could probably punch a hole in a wall with my dick. SORRY SORRY…that was crude.

But no I’m serious .

Well I guess I’m just gonna watch some porn and go to sleep. Oh yeah, for those looking for free porn OTHER than Xtube.com that you can actually download to your computer for free check out http://www.tube8.com really cool.

Well that’s enough about sex…go read your bible now hehehe.