The Problem with Gay Dating

Being gay and trying to find a mate is not as simple as one would think. First of all it’s not something every parent grooms their sons to do. So most guys, don’t know the first thing to do when approaching another guy. We revert to a primal caveman like way of speaking to each other… the stare, the smile, the grunt “sup” “me want sex” type of conversation. And true enough gay men relationships are quite different from hetero relationships and lesbian relationships. We eat our dessert first and then pick through the entre last. Then and only then, after our belly is full do we consider paying the bill or leaving the table without even a tip. Yes, it can be a crazy world with men, sex, and love… but the fun is the process.  The younger generation is more out of the closet but seems to rely soley on electronic forms of communication, while the older generation may be more prone to communication face to face but tends to have issues with being public about their sexuality. One day I’m sure this won’t be an issue as balance happens.  The second issue would be opposition. Not only from homophobes who hiss and throw bibles when you’re on a romantic date but even other gay guys who are bitter because they can’t find someone. There are tons of subcultures in gaydom.(twinks, bears, trade, gaymers) .. dating outside of that or even dating outside your race can make other gays gossip about you negatively. We all want acceptance and somebody to love us fully. Social acceptance is just as importance as romantic love acceptance. But most importantly is personal love acceptance. If you don’t love yourself and respect your SELF you can’t accept or even expect people to love you fully.

What To Do When Your Life is a MESS

http://www.dreamstime.com/-image21361407It’s time for a life audit. I have been the type of person who has the glorious opportunity to live with so many types of people from my own family, to roommates, to lovers and one thing I have found in common with all these people is that your home is a reflection of your life.

What’s that mean? Well, if you observe someone’s home it will tell certain things about them. Their home is the physical manifestation of their life. A person who doesn’t like a lot of visitors is sure not to allow alot of people close to him. A person who is always having people over to eat at their place is natural giver or a motherly figure even. On the opposite end a person who has food and trash sitting out, spoiled and rotten has something seriously wrong going on in their mind. What that is, only that person knows. This blog is not about how to figure people out…it’s about how to figure yourself out.

What type of person are you?

Are you the type that keeps guest in the front part of your home because your bedroom and other rooms are junky? Then you like to keep up a perception of perfection that is false. You are keeping secrets about who you really are. Be real, either invite friends over when the whole house is messy or take the time to clean up the whole house.

Are you the type that has old heirlooms that have no value collecting dust? Then you’re the type of person stuck in the past. You have a hard time letting go. You may keep these things out in the open or packing the garage. Either way, if you died today would anybody other you find any value in them?

Maybe your house is full of pictures. You’re the type that has lived a lot of memories. You don’t want to forget the people you love. All those people are branches of tree that has roots in you. In fact many people depend on you.

Being neat and tidy is okay, but if your home is the type where nothing ever moves from its place…EVER…you may be very stuck in your ways of doing things. But is your way necessarily the right way?

So let’s get back to the problems that happen in life… shit happens. When problems arise where do you spend most of your time? Do you go to the patio? Do go to sleep? Do you raid he kitchen. I had one roommate that would clean the kitchen furiously when he was upset. I had another that would do the complete opposite. If clutter starts piling up and you’re normally a tidy person, try organizing those things. Putting things in order in your outside life will affect your life tremendously. Tired of being in a rut? Move the couch. Seriously, I had one roommate and his couch was against the window and his apartment was so dark, I suggest he turn the couch facing the window and open it … and don’t you know he started making other life changes because now he was looking out at life and turning his back to it.

It’s the little things. Try this out yourself at your home and write me back if you see change. Good luck.

Who Did You Fall in Love With?

couple in love

When it comes to love, it’s hard to find a how to manual about it because love is something that is very difficult to rationalize. But we can share our experiences and try to attempt to find some common ground in that. That’s what I want to do right now. Share an epiphany of mine, not out of expertise, but purely experience and you can take that information or you can fling it to the wind.

It is my thought that when we meet someone and  feel love for them and we want to share some type of intimate experience with, that person we fall in love with is actually the “cover” person. When I say the cover person, I do not mean something that’s fake but it is someone who has been developed over time. It is the adult version of who that person is attempting to be or what they think is expected of them. That person may be very responsible, very organized, very strong and has all the answers,  very outgoing or even something very unattractive such as bitchy or sarcastic. But the cover person is never the total person. No. It is only a part of that person.

It is my present belief that most relationships break up or some do not become relationships at all because people decide to show you their true self. That true self is more-so their inner child. The cover person is the identity they have developed throughout life to protect that inner child. inner child I think we all remember how easy it was to fall in love and consider someone our boyfriend or girlfriend when we were younger. Then heartbreak set in. After that hurt, we developed different guards and filters so that we would not get hurt again. We locked our child away out of protection. These filters and guards became apart of our personality and we didn’t even realize it until sooner or later we became a total different person than we started out.

The challenge for a relationship is that when a person lets their guard down and reveals their inner child, which may be hurt and not as strong as their cover person, that you should learn who is that inner child. That inner child may be quite the opposite of the cover personality they have developed. But I think that every person needs to be allowed to let their inner child go and if they can trust you to protect their inner child and love that child just as much as they love and protect that side of themselves then you have truly won their heart.  Surely, some people may never allow you to see that side of themselves. They may never allow themselves to become vulnerable with another person. If this is the situation, then you have to decide whether the relationship is worth it or not.

children huggingTo feel freedom of love it has to be like two children playing. It can not be one person protecting their inner child or your inner child at the same time at all times. This is when the imbalance comes. This is when a person feels like the parent of the other…and eventually someone will rebel.

Tell me what you think of my thoughts. I don’t claim to be perfect in my epiphanies but it’s something I have learned overtime. It is something that I want to share with another. I want to be free to love as I did as a child with out trying to rationalize every motive and intention but yet I want someone to be free to love me without being judged and know that I will protect that part which they love the most. That’s what I believe we all do.