My 30’s in REVIEW… Birthday time

So I’m about to turn 40 on March the 7th. I decided to reflect a little on the past ten years and see if I learned anything. LOL

of course, I did.

giphyIt was the year of 2008 … Obama had just won and I voted. I was living in Los Angeles. That was also the year the Recession hit and I lost my job at Myspace. My California Dream was crashing hard but I was still partying and fucking like a rock star. When I turned 30 I think I remember I went to Fubar in my underwear… not sure.. it was all fuzzy but I’m pretty sure I did. Not sure if I got laid or not… but probably. lol

I did a lot of “THOTTin” back then. As the years passed I searched for more. Move back to Texas, got a relationship with a crazy Puerto Rican that I couldn’t keep up with and that ended with a fizzle… no direction… no goal. Just ended. I had more “sexual affairs” and lovers in that 10 years… but alas they lasted less than a year so it’s not worth mentioning. Welcome to the 30’s. I had more money than in my 20’s and I knew who I was .. fuck I had more resources (THE FUCKING INTERNET) but still…

Here I am. I don’t think life after 10 years is bad. I started my 30’s a gypsy boy… with practically nothing.. okay nothing. I lost everything.. and moved back home with my mom. Newly sexually out and back in the south, I had to regroup. I coped with lost friends, the anger, the isolation, then found new friends. Gay friends… then dealt with the craziness and fakeness of that. OH WELL…

As I learned more about sex and relationships in my 30’s I felt like I didn’t wanna be that fuckin old dude on Grindr at 60. Relationships …or meaningful relationships has been a strong goal. That…as well as money. I have managed to keep progressing to better jobs, however.

Now I’m about to be 40, good job, apartment, a dog, and I’m still trying to figure out the game.. or is the game trying to figure me out? I have plenty of guys that like me and I have dated some great guys so whats the problem? Sometimes I feel like I’m being too petty.. looking for the dream.. but yet, I don’t want to settle for less. If I don’t feel … fuck.. I don’t feel it.  As a Pisces…. feelings are everything.

But… I can’t let my feelings fool me (and that’s the second part)

Cause there are playas out there…

So as I sit and self-reflect, I have no regrets. I love myself and I know there’s love out there to be attained and embraced. I don’t plan to be single forever. I just want someone I can vibe with ..and the sex is great… and makes me feel special, pretty simple, right? I think so… so many fall short.  These guys want to be worshipped. They don’t want love.

Montre you wanna be worshipped!

No, I don’t.

I’m social media savvy.. I have fans… I love people that support what I DO..not me in particular. I’m a creative. I appreciate those who appreciate what I do… social media has made it possible for ANYBODY to get attention for bullshit. (sidenote: My next novel is coming out real soon…)

Anywhooooo..  Thanks for reading my rant. I love you guys. Happy Birthday to me… *raise yo drank* here’s to the FORTIES!!!!

PDA

Two men holding hands and watching a sunset at the beach

I don’t understand this desire for gay men to be so discrete. I don’t want to be a hypocrite though. Before I came out I was the same. But now that I’m out and I date I find the same guys. Perhaps it’s karma.

To me , it makes me feel like you’re ashamed to be around me, like we’re doing something wrong. I don’t worry about others. I’m a free spirit. I don’t want to feel limited in my expression in love. I don’t want to feel like someone’s secret.

I know what I want. When I dated a female I treated her the same. Like I want to be treated. If I date a guy I shouldn’t have to change. Love is… an expression. I’m artist, don’t tell me what and how to paint. If you like it great… if you don’t like it great. I made you feel something.

Who cares what people think? What can they do? What can they say? Does it matter?

Gay Open Relationships are…

BULLSHIT! I know I’m gonna step on some toes  but come on , let’s be honest. For all the gay dudes that have boyfriends but are in “open relationships”, there are few reasons why this probably works but isn’t conducive to being actually happy.

ONE person can’t make you happy

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While this may be true to some extent when it comes to attention and maybe social outings. How far are you going to test a relationship when it comes to sex? If two partners can’t sexually satisfy each other, aren’t you nothing more than roommates? Most “partners” simply aren’t willing to call it quits due to mutual history or comfort but go out of their way to find someone to sexually satisfy them for the moment.

I won’t be a hypocrite, yes I’ve slept with people I’ve knowingly knew were in relationships but it left me feeling “less than” . I didn’t want to be the side dick, my name is not Olivia Pope. For the third wheel you’re always left wondering, “What kinda guy has you hooked but can’t satisfy you sexually?” . And true, it may be a deeper bond, but deep bonds can be developed with anybody if people take time.

Frankly, if one person can’t make you happy… why be in a relationship at all? Stay single and tell people you’re not interested in commitment.

They’re comfortable

Most these guys not only have built a history with one person, but they built it with the wrong person. They’ve invested too much to want to start over. Perhaps the person has more money than them or they mutual financial obligations like a car note. Often times you see this when someone dates someone considerably older than their self. The older partner may allow them to play as not to lose them completely.

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The point is…at this point you have to weigh out the pros  and cons to either be with some one you kinda like and be comfortable but unhappy or take a chance on happiness. Most these guys choose money.

They’re TWO bottoms settling

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Loneliness gets the best of us and sometimes you’ll find guys who get along on every level except that they both enjoy sex the exact same way (as bottoms) . Everyone is different however, and one may compromise to take a chance at not being alone for the rest of his life. This may work on an emotional level as they find someone they trust, but on a sexual level you have someone who will constantly be deep down looking for a top. Just remember while you’re settling , that single top of your dreams just overlooked you because you were at the bar with a ring on it. (and I don’t mean cock ring)

They’re emotionally insecure

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More often than not, this person is trying to not to fall in love with anyone to keep from being hurt. They have probably been hurt in the past and now they have set up the perfect way to never be put in that situation again… an open relationship. This way, they get security of knowing someone will always be there but by spreading their physical self thin to several people they never really feel a total bond with anyone.  This is usually a one-sided arrangement however, and sooner or later the other partner will tire. But what do they care?

Look, I’m just venting, maybe I’m bitter cause it’s crazy out there just finding one person in the dating world. It just adds to it when you find a great guy, and he says, “I just want to be honest I have a boyfriend but…” But hey… if works for you keep on, don’t let me be the Grinch who stole Valentines. 😛

Conversation and Gay Dating Apps

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When you’re single and working (or not working for some) there’s not many options to meet someone on a whim…especially in the gay community. I guess my frustration lies in so many people’s inability to hold a conversation.  Questions like “what’s good” are so general they can be answered in a number of ways (ice cream on peach cobbler is really good! But that really throws guys off) . I guess people want to cut to the chase and simply talk about sex (and maybe that works for some… who are hideously gorgeous)  but that’s simply not the case for everyone.  I know… a lot of guys are just looking for sex, and they say that on their profile. I have said other wise… repeatedly.

Don’t get me wrong I love talking about sex, but if that’s all we have in common, I’m probably not going to take my time and energy to meet. Sex is what all humans have in common. Well… maybe not asexual people… that’s another topic.  With so many guys talking with the same damn style...  I feel like I’m talking to the same guy with different photos. lol . It’s laughable. I’m not asking for a sermon on the meaning of life but, I would like to know if the wheels in that noggin are spinning and whether they spin on the same pace as mine.

So yeah, conversation.. is it a deal breaker for me?  HELL YEAH.

What are deal breakers for you? (you see what I did there… I’m initiating a conversation…take notes)