The Problem with Gay Dating

Being gay and trying to find a mate is not as simple as one would think. First of all it’s not something every parent grooms their sons to do. So most guys, don’t know the first thing to do when approaching another guy. We revert to a primal caveman like way of speaking to each other… the stare, the smile, the grunt “sup” “me want sex” type of conversation. And true enough gay men relationships are quite different from hetero relationships and lesbian relationships. We eat our dessert first and then pick through the entre last. Then and only then, after our belly is full do we consider paying the bill or leaving the table without even a tip. Yes, it can be a crazy world with men, sex, and love… but the fun is the process.  The younger generation is more out of the closet but seems to rely soley on electronic forms of communication, while the older generation may be more prone to communication face to face but tends to have issues with being public about their sexuality. One day I’m sure this won’t be an issue as balance happens.  The second issue would be opposition. Not only from homophobes who hiss and throw bibles when you’re on a romantic date but even other gay guys who are bitter because they can’t find someone. There are tons of subcultures in gaydom.(twinks, bears, trade, gaymers) .. dating outside of that or even dating outside your race can make other gays gossip about you negatively. We all want acceptance and somebody to love us fully. Social acceptance is just as importance as romantic love acceptance. But most importantly is personal love acceptance. If you don’t love yourself and respect your SELF you can’t accept or even expect people to love you fully.

SGL… ugh WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?

“hi.. so are you gay?”

“ugh no, I’m SGL.” 

“you’re what?”

“I’m same gender loving.” 

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MAN get out here with that bullshit…you’re GAY! So I’ve been tripping out about BLACK folks who are on this SGL “label” versus just accepting that that they’re gay. This label was created by black folks in the 90’s who were oo in the closet to admit that they were gay decided that they didn’t want to be considered gay because it was a “european” term so they decided have something more *clearing throat” more afro-centric (because AFRICA SO LOVES THE GAYS  SGL members of society) I wonder… when is this SGL pride… so I can make sure NOT to pencil it in my schedule. 

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SGL (or same gender loving) is bull…SHIT. *plop plop plop* It’s just another sub culture that wants to  divide.  “You’re gay.. and I’m not like you, I’m different.” really…cause when it all comes down to it… when somebody is discriminating against you for your sexuality, it doesn’t matter what race you are, they just see you as gay. “Oh sorry, you’re SGL? i just hate gays…nevermind.” …no I’ve never heard anyone say that. 

Bisexual, homosexual, lesbian, tran, curious…when prejudice straight folk find out you’re different …you’re lumped into that gay pot. So be gay..and be happy.   Divided we fall; which is why I still for the life of me can’t understand why the gay black community continually divides itself from the gay community at large. Yes, I know there’s racism within the gay community; but not all gays  are racist and  there’s no reason that we continually divide into these tiny subcultures to find acceptance or psychological satisfaction in meaningless acronyms . 

Homosexuality has been around since the beginning of time and it’s still here…. SGL , well that… that’s bull shit. #dropsmic 

Sexual Orientation vs Preference

As a bisexual male I am sometimes accused of many things. I have been called all sorts of names but to add on that I am sometimes accused of being confused, greedy, promiscuous, or going through a phase. I am non of these things, and while I am attractive and I have had my “pick of the litter” I am quite picky to whom I decide to spread my “royal oats” with. But this blog isn’t about me. It’s about the misunderstanding that society seems to have when I say that I am bisexual. It is society’s confusion that I will attempt to clarify.

The problem here is when people think you are talking about sexual preference when you are talking about sexual orientation. Those are two different things and shouldn’t be lumped together. Many times I understand that the LGBT community will be talking about sexual orientation while the religious community will be discussing sexual preference.

Look up the definitions for yourself. http://www.dictionary.com Orientation is the awareness that one has about their self. It is the beliefs that they have concluded based upon their own experiences. No one can tell you your sexual orientation. You don’t even choose your sexual orientation…it just is. You figure it out based upon how you feel and we all know you can’t control how you feel you can only control what you do with your feelings. (express or repress)

Sexual preference is what you decide. Prefence is defined as what you favor over another option. For example I like both mexican food and italian food…but on any given day I PREFER mexican. But don’t get me wrong…place some pasta in front of me and I will love it just as much!

This is how bisexuality is.

A bisexual simply has experienced both genders and finds sex pleasurable and comfortable with both. HOWEVER, a bisexual may have a sexual preference as homosexual or even heterosexual. In truth, there are many bisexual men and women who have a sexual preference of heterosexual. A poll taken on a dating site concluded that 50% of proclaimed heterosexual women have had or want to have a bisexual experience compared to the 15% of heterosexual men (however I think if the men were drunk the percentage would be higher) .

You can only choose one sexual preference at any given time, there is no bisexual sexual preference. BUT preference is not fixed, you can prefer to be homosexual today and heterosexual tomorrow. (which is what the religious community encourages)

On the flip side

Sexual orientation is fixed. You can’t control that …it is who you are and you should choose your preference based upon that. A person who has a sexual orientation of homosexual will never feel anything for the opposite sex. He/she ,however, may choose to live the sexual preference of heterosexuality because the lifestyle is more acceptable in society to some degree; but these individuals usually live very unhappy and unsatisfied lives.

What happens if a heterosexual oriented person chooses to prefer homosexuals? It is very unlikely to say the least. But I have heard of heterosexuals who are bi-curious and never act on it. Straight girls kissing other girls, bromances, gay for pay, these are examples of people who may be heterosexual normally but prefer the same gender for some outside reason other than TRUE sexual reasons.

Ideally, Homo or Hetero oriented people prefer their orientation.

So a person may be truly bisexual in their sexual orientation (beliefs, experiences, feelings) but their sexual preference may be just …gay. But sexual preference may not be dependent on genatalia for the bisexual. Many factors may come into play. But that depends on each individual person and circumstance. Tell me what you think. Do you agree or disagree? Is preference changable? Is orientation fixed? Speak your mind!

Why People are More Comfortable with Lesbians than Gay Men

I have found at least in the main media, that most people are highly comfortable with lesbianism but not male homosexuality. I have a theory about this so if continue reading if you will.

This is pretty much a male dominated society but yet women control a lot about how men react to things. So there’s this 50-50 exchange of ideas and control. Lesbian women or at the very least women who flirt with the idea, pose no threat to male sexuality or sexual identity. Two women together don’t even threaten their own femininity and it would seem that they become EMPOWERED because they express the ability sexually that they don’t need a man.

The heterosexual man, however still is able to see himself in these women’s lives because, as stated before, it’s a male dominated society and lesbian or not, it’s dangerous for a woman by herself (unless she has a gun, dog or something) So they guy says to himself,

“Hey she has a need…i still have a chance”

I will even go as to say even sexually he says,

“Wow, two Pussies…and nothing getting filled…there’s a need…I still have a chance.”

This is his mind. What he may not realize is that she may not want to be penetrated or she may have alternate ways of doing so. They only lesbian threat to the heterosexual male is the stud female who says,

“Not only do I not need you sexually, but I don’t need you to protect me either, AND I can please a woman better than you.”

This woman is so much like him that he is not attracted to her and most of the time these strong lesbians are the object of gay bashing if any.

On the adverse side, male homosexuality poses a threat to heterosexual men only to one issue…..Straight men feel that being gay means religuishing your masculinity or becoming less of a man. This is not necessarily true. This is only because the media chooses to focus on the most feminine of gay men and the most masculine of gay men choose to stay in shadows. Just like the stud lesbian who has traded in her feminine identity, there are some men who have traded their masculine identity for more softer tones and some in the hetero society find this difficult to accept as most try so hard to define, uphold, and retain what they consider masculine and feminine especially when it comes to relationships.

Where the feminine gay male gets much smack about his sexual orientation, you find far less masculine men getting as much trouble. I saw one dude at the gym who was big and brawny, he appeared to have that biker look. He had a tank top and on his arm he had tattoos of intertwining dicks and male symbol signs. He was obviously gay and proud and so big I doubt anybody would fuck with him. My point is, although he was gay he posed no threat to male masculinity, in fact he seemed to love his own (nothing wrong with that).

I find that homesexual/bisexual men who are masculine and love their masculinity seemed to be more so accepted in the heterosexual world. Straight men love their masculinity too, they have something in common. A straight man can talk about lifting weights, sports, politics, or even sex with a masculine gay male in a way he cannot with a feminine male.

Why is that? Perhaps the feminine male feels more in common with females or is oblivious to what masculinity even is. Because of that, he tries harder to express himself (he is still a man) and this comes off as FLAMBOYANT. The heterosexual male says,

” I can’t relate to this guy and I don’t need him in my life.”

The feminine male’s rejection of his his masculinity expresses itself as masculine men (gay or str8) reject him.

As times change, and we begin to see more MASCULINE homo and bisexual men come to the forefront, then we begin to see the heterosexual world begin to relate more become more comfortable as they see more diversity within the LGBT community and relize that being gay is not just a “feminine” thing .

In my own bisexuality I have had no issue with my straight friends and often enjoy debating on what they consider right or wrong when it comes to sexuality. I also find that there are SO MANY masculine men who may identify as straight but that may not be necessarily true. As the world becomes more accepting, hopefully these individuals will accept themselves. So I am making this theory based off my own experience and my observation of other masculine men and people’s response to them. If you have had a different experience please feel free to share, comment, or send a note.