Knowing Emotional Triggers đŸ˜­

I’ve been sleeping with an oracle card by my bed and lemme tell you…đŸ˜³. The shit that comes to me while I sleep.

Okay… The moon card is a our subconscious. The illusions or the things that decieve us. The stuff we can’t see.

I had a lot of dreams last night again. Won’t go into it but I woke up thinking… “I got abandonment issues” . I hate waiting on people. I’ll tell you why. Prepare for a long story.

When I was kid in 1st grade many moons ago…

I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up from school. Usually I was the first one to get picked up. But this day… Was different. I found myself playing and waiting with kids until soon… I was the only one waiting by the flagpole. Even teachers were leaving and going home. Some noticed and were like, “Are you okay?”

I always reassured them, “my parents are coming. I’m fine.” This was a different time. It was the 80s . No one called my parents or nothing! đŸ˜‚. But I was getting worried…and cold. One teacher suggested I wait inside. So I went inside and sat on the floor in the foyer. It got dark early so then I really got scared and my little mind started to wander.

In the 80s … Punky Brewster, Different strokes , and Webster were a thing…all about kids losing their parents or getting left somewhere. All I could think was ” They forgot about me…ME!

The janitor came sweeping by asking if was okay. I told him yeah, they’re coming. (ah the faith of a little child) But deep down I wasn’t sure. Again… The 80s…no one called. đŸ™„ . Every car that drove by ,I’d peep my head up and when it didn’t stop I sunk back down into the corner. I think I cried for a second and sucked it back up.

Photo by Picture Squash on Pexels.com

Finally a honk! I jumped up with excitement and ran to the car .

I don’t remember saying anything. My mom apologized and said my dad was supposed to come get me today but he was working late. When everyone got home they realized oops ! (Like a Home Alone prequel called School Alone) I don’t remember showing any emotion… I was mad. I held it in.

Fast fwd to the 90s …

Freshmen year and just got out of track practice after school. This time my stepdad was supposed to pick me up. I sat there about an hour before those old feelings stirred up. I was forgotten….again. Mind you we didn’t have cell phones then, no money for a payphone, and I wasn’t about to ask a teacher for help đŸ™„. So I took my heavy ass backpack and yup…walked several miles home.

I got home at night around mmm 6pm . It was dark and even the neighborhood kids like “damn you just getting back from school?” (You know how kids are) No one said anything about forgetting to pick me up. But I was a teen…I didn’t care anymore. Nope. Not waiting on anybody anymore.

So yeah…. I got issues. đŸ˜‚ Waiting is hard. And at the same time, I don’t like people waiting on me so I try to be on time every time which is good I guess. (To be early is to be on time). But anytime I feel I’m waiting too long, that inner child resentment pops up and that inner teen says … Start walking!

In Conclusion…

Everyone has some inner child issue that gets triggered when we are adults. Parents aren’t perfect. They make mistakes. Some of us have had fucked up parents or none at all. Some people have had way worse things happen to them in their childhood.

We all have coping methods to protect that inner child. That coping can be good or bad. When we understand our past trauma and our coping method, we can understand what triggers us and consciously decide what’s the best way to deal with our inner child.

Wow that was alot to unpack. Sorry, it’s Gemini season what can I tell you, my brain is moving.

Who Did You Fall in Love With?

couple in love

When it comes to love, it’s hard to find a how to manual about it because love is something that is very difficult to rationalize. But we can share our experiences and try to attempt to find some common ground in that. That’s what I want to do right now. Share an epiphany of mine, not out of expertise, but purely experience and you can take that information or you can fling it to the wind.

It is my thought that when we meet someone and  feel love for them and we want to share some type of intimate experience with, that person we fall in love with is actually the “cover” person. When I say the cover person, I do not mean something that’s fake but it is someone who has been developed over time. It is the adult version of who that person is attempting to be or what they think is expected of them. That person may be very responsible, very organized, very strong and has all the answers,  very outgoing or even something very unattractive such as bitchy or sarcastic. But the cover person is never the total person. No. It is only a part of that person.

It is my present belief that most relationships break up or some do not become relationships at all because people decide to show you their true self. That true self is more-so their inner child. The cover person is the identity they have developed throughout life to protect that inner child. inner child I think we all remember how easy it was to fall in love and consider someone our boyfriend or girlfriend when we were younger. Then heartbreak set in. After that hurt, we developed different guards and filters so that we would not get hurt again. We locked our child away out of protection. These filters and guards became apart of our personality and we didn’t even realize it until sooner or later we became a total different person than we started out.

The challenge for a relationship is that when a person lets their guard down and reveals their inner child, which may be hurt and not as strong as their cover person, that you should learn who is that inner child. That inner child may be quite the opposite of the cover personality they have developed. But I think that every person needs to be allowed to let their inner child go and if they can trust you to protect their inner child and love that child just as much as they love and protect that side of themselves then you have truly won their heart.  Surely, some people may never allow you to see that side of themselves. They may never allow themselves to become vulnerable with another person. If this is the situation, then you have to decide whether the relationship is worth it or not.

children huggingTo feel freedom of love it has to be like two children playing. It can not be one person protecting their inner child or your inner child at the same time at all times. This is when the imbalance comes. This is when a person feels like the parent of the other…and eventually someone will rebel.

Tell me what you think of my thoughts. I don’t claim to be perfect in my epiphanies but it’s something I have learned overtime. It is something that I want to share with another. I want to be free to love as I did as a child with out trying to rationalize every motive and intention but yet I want someone to be free to love me without being judged and know that I will protect that part which they love the most. That’s what I believe we all do.