We are Family

I recently read an article in the Dallas Voice about this gay couple that was kicked out a “family night” bowling alley because the manager didn’t consider the couple family.

Without going much into the article you can read it here. What I really want to focus on is how we define family and what makes one. A friend of mine is I should say…um “gay for pay” (ie. a dancer)  said he was curious about being with a man in a relationship , however the only deterrent was that he wanted a family. I found this idea that he couldn’t have a family if he pursued a homosexual relationship archaic and false.

It has been the long socialized embedded misconception that if a man “came out the closet” he was giving up any chance of having children and being a father. Parents cried and gave up hope with ever becoming grandparents; but this is the 21st century people! It’s 2013 now and with marriage equality just around the corner, more and more gay men are turning in their cock rings for wedding rings. What we’re seeing here is an evolution of the mind. When men are saying

“Hey I want more than just a one night stand..I want a partner by my side..and I want to build a legacy with him

The more younger gays see relationships they more hope they have for their future that it can be done. If anything a generation of young gays is leading this evolution of mind …breaking down the past stigmas and archetypes.

So a man… any man wants a family. He can get one. There’s adoption, surrogate mothers, and if you can’t afford that hey… may one of your close friends can spawn your “seed”  hehe.  Either way it can be done and there’s no excuse now. The future is now.  Look at the examples of proud gay men who have taken on the father role successfully.

ricky martin
neil patrick harris
Elton john

Of course these are just celebrities… there are countless others who’s names are not as lofty. This is the age of possibility if you can expand your mind, it can be done. But as with anything it starts with self first. You can’t spread love to a child if you don’t love yourself and who you are. If you don’t love who you are , you can’t possibly maintain a healthy relationship.  And that’s where we begin. Each gay man, young and old is on a journey of self discovery… either to decide to walk in shame or be a man and say “This is who I am… Love me or Leave me…I’m still a man.” After you accept yourself, the rest is easy (more or less) .  I believe that every successful man, however, should leave a legacy… to share his wisdom that he learned. But back to the original question…

What is family?

Two parents and child? One parent and a child? A grandmother and grandkids? A big brother and his younger siblings? Three cousins? A family is working unit..a group with a common history and building a common future. A unit built on love for one another …and that’s what matters.  Aiiight enough of the mushy stuff .. as you were.

Why the view of MARRIAGE must EVOLVE

I was talking to a female friend and she was telling me how a lot of her female friends were disgruntled with being married. She asked me this question,
“Why do men change after you get married? I mean after I DO, they act they own you and act like asses”
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Well…i will attempt to address this issue. In this day and time we believe in equality and rights for all people. However, marriage as it is traditionally is not about equality. It never has been.
It is about ownership. Single empowered women who want to be married find themselves hitting this brick wall time and time again. They go from being single and independent to being someone who is expected to submit to every foolish whim of their husband or be ostracized and accused of being a “bad wife” (and who wants that title).
However, as much as we like to believe…many wives are not equal to their husbands.
If they were, wives who are dominant in persona would not be labeled “bitches” or their husbands “weak” . If they were, then wives making more money than their husbands would not be an issue. If they were, wives working and husbands staying home with the kids wouldn’t seem “weird”.
How is it about ownership?
Simple, the ritual of traditional marriage involves one man (THE FATHER) GIVING his daughter (his property) to another man (the groom). Funny…Dad doesn’t give away his sons when they get married. Traditional marriage…has never been about LOVE….it was a business transaction between two men.

Now the therapist in the above video almost seems pro-arranged marriage…and why not? He’s a therapist. But this will not solve the predicament. As marriage evolved from arranged to choice by love, once again, there’s a need for it to evolve from ownership to unification and equality.

“BUT MONTRE, THAT’S WHAT MY MARRIAGE IS. MY HUSBAND DOESN’T OWN ME”

Well, maybe, but if you performed the whole “marriage ritual” i described, then in some ways he does. You are just not aware of it.

A ritual is a set of actions, performed mainly for their symbolic value, which is prescribed by a religion or by the traditions of a community.-Wikipedia

If the table was turned and the groom’s mother gave him to his bride would this be weird? Why does any grown adult need to be given anyways? With the rituals of marriage as it is traditionally, the symbolism says the following:

  • Men and women are not equal
  • Men own women
  • It is honorable if a man can pass his daughter (property) to another man he sees fit.
  • Marriage is a business transaction first and foremost. Not about love.

THIS IS ALL SUBCONSCIOUSLY EMBEDDED IN SOCIETIES. THIS IS WHY SOME PEOPLE CAN NOT BARE TO TOLERATE OR UNDERSTAND MARRIAGES THAT DON’T FOLLOW TRADITIONAL STANDARDS.

SO…HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM BEING OWNED?

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Free your mind. I’m not saying don’t get married but I’m saying change your mind on how you view marriage. Change something as simple as the very ritual. (unless you like being owned–or for the fellas, owning another). Marriage, spiritually speaking, is evolving into a love union between two people that creates divine balance. How do you symbolize or visualize that? That’s not very traditional but we as humans grow and learn. But we, as people, all desire to be with some one that balances out and reflects our love as we balance and reflect theirs. We all desire to celebrate our beloved and have that love union celebrated by all. We all want our love to free us…not to enslave us like a “ball and chain”.

If we can change how we perceive something….we can change how it affects us.